It Burns! It Buuuuuuuuuurns! Week 5 of #SunBeltHeat
It may surprise you to learn, loyal reader, that #SunBeltHeat is not an exact science – like alchemy, acupuncture and dentistry. This explains why Idaho upsets UNLV in Vegas and Arkansas State loses to Central Arkansas in Jonesboro. It’s not real science, man! It’s more gut feelings, and no gut in the universe could predict that it would require overtime for South Alabama to put away Nichols or that Houston would complete destroy Texas State.
LOLOJK on Texas State! Burn!
With the bulk of the out-of-conference schedule complete, and several teams taking a breather, Week 5 presents an abbreviated burst of #SunBeltHeat. So this column should be brief but penetrating.
Remember, #SunBeltHeat is derived by the following top secret formula that was developed by sports scientists and sorcerers in a secret laboratory beneath the Mercedes Benz Superdome:
P5 Condescension x ESPN3 + Righteous Fury / “Any given Saturday” = #SUNBELTHEAT
As always, #SunBeltHeat can only be administered to non-Sun Belt opponents and is programmed to become self-aware sometime in the 32nd century.
ULM vs. Auburn, October 1, 2:30 PM CST, SEC Network
Chance for winning (ESPN FPI): 1.6%
Darth Viator (yes, I never get tired of that) and the Warhawks come off a bye week well rested for an Auburn team that defeated LSU in such a dispiriting manner that it cost Les Miles his job. Does this make Darth Viator, another coach in the Louisiana public university empire, just a tiny bit nervous? Search your feelings and use the Force. Is it true that Rhett Lashlee is already boasting about blasting womp rats in his T-16 back home? Has Darth Viator told Gus Malzahn that he is his father? Who’s Han Solo in this half-baked comedy bit? We know Karl Benson is IG-88. Either way, Viator may not have a Death Star, but he has something much more powerful: #SunBeltHeat. Also, let’s please remember that ULM dragged Auburn into overtime in 2012, which is exactly like hitting a thermal exhaust port that’s only two meters wide.
Sun Belt Heat Index: 100% because NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS, KID!
Adjusted Chance for Winning: 101.6%
Incarnate Word vs. Texas State, October 1, 6:30 PM CST, ESPN3
Chance for winning (ESPN FPI): 91.7%
It hasn’t been a fantastic last couple weeks for the Bobcats, who first suffered a 42-3 thrashing at Arkansas, and followed it up with a 64-3 emasculation to hated in-state rival Houston in front of a horrified home crowd. What better way to reacquire lost moxie and sand than by scheduling human punching bag Incarnate Word? This is not meant to be a slight to the Cardinals, who do have a sweet win this season against Northwestern (State). The Bobcats just need to forget that they haven’t scored a touchdown since taking down the Ohio Bobcats to overtime in Week 1. WEEK FIVE IS ABOUT DESTROYING THE WORD! Never you mind that Texas State ranks 127th in the nation in rushing with 53.7 yards per game, or that the defense is currently allowing 53.3 points per game, the nation’s second worst. It’s all good. Incarnate Word makes everything better, especially stats.
Sun Belt Heat Index: 10% because why not?
Adjusted Chance for Winning: 101.7%
#19 San Diego State vs. South Alabama, October 1, 7:00 PM CST, ESPN News
Chance for winning (ESPN FPI): 9.8%
This is the marquee #SunBeltHeat matchup for Week 5. It was a lot more marquee-y after Week 1, when the Jaguars reminded Mississippi State that #SunBeltHeat is without reason or mercy. Two Sun Belt losses and a near disaster against Nichols later, Coach Joey Jones is charged with upsetting the Aztecs for a second time in two seasons. But this time, the Jags get San Diego State in the richly appointed confines of modern Ladd-Peebles Stadium. Sorry, Aztecs! You’re exchanging the insanely perfect weather conditions of San Diego for the humid-as-a-gorilla’s armpit atmosphere of Mobile, Alabama. But that’s not why you’re sweating, Aztecs! IT’S BECAUSE DALLAS DAVIS HURLING FIREBALLS OF #SUNBELTHEAT AT YOUR FACE! Shamu can’t save you now.
Sun Belt Heat Index: 90.2% for the 90.2% Alabama humidity
Adjusted Chance for Winning: 100%
Games in the Sun Belt for which beautiful #SUNBELTHEAT is not required
Georgia State vs. Appalachian State, October 1, 11:00 AM CST, ESPN3
Troy vs. Idaho, October 1, 4:00 PM CST, ESPN3
Louisiana vs. New Mexico State, October 1, 7:00 PM CST, ESPN3
Chilling out: Arkansas State, Georgia Southern